Visionary Troubadour

So, interesting developments in the last 24 hours here.  Within the last 24 hours I’ve found out that both the people that were going to host me the next few weeks can’t host me (one couple her in Cordoba and a Brasilian girl in Rio), and yet I’ve booked my flight to Rio based on these two invitations.  So, I’m feeling sadness/disappointment on both accounts.  And I’m needing a home in Cordoba for a week, and then at least a few weeks in Rio.

I’ve got money, and I can certainly handle things with money.  But my path here is one of learning from feeling… and guiding myself through the wisdom of my body.  So, I’m lying here on the couch in the hostel doing just that, feeling.

There’s something big for me to learn here… about the way I’m receiving invitations, etc.  But first, I’m inviting myself to simply feel…

This morning a Finnish guy that I’ve hung out with a bit over the past few days left, and as I went to say goodbye I gave shook his hand and half-hugged him, a kind of man-to-man greeting that is common in states.  It felt really cheap.  And it was me who initiated this form of greeting rather than giving this guy a big ole bear hug, which is what I felt like doing.  My heart wanted that heart-to-heart connection.  (As I write this I wonder what some will think about this–it’s all good, because this path I am on is about just that–letting go of the cultural conditioning that prevents me from being fully trusting of my heart, more connected to people and myself, more vulnerable, etc.–yet that doesn’t change the fact that I wonder what some of my American friends will think as I write about all my feelings here.)

So then back to the missed hug.  I noticed I felt disappointed that I’d taken the safer path, as my cultural conditioning warned me not to take the risk of it being uncomfortable.  Often in my travels, I’ve had uncomfortable moments with greetings and embraces, such as two days ago when I gave the traditional Argentinian one-cheek kiss to an Israeli girl, only to have her pull away creating quite an awkward moment.  OK, so now the young British guy I’ve also been hanging with gives the Finnish guy a big hug,vulnerable hug.  Yeah, this 18-year-old British kid, I admire how openly he connects with people.

So my travels have opened me up in many ways, but I’m noticing ways I’m still holding back.

Feeling… something in my heart–a missing.

Back to my two invitations that fell through… the one in Rio I believed to be wide open as far as the dates.  A phone call would have offered a better connection and certainly more clarity as to the specifics of the invitation.  Both she and I felt sadness when we realized our dates didn’t match up in the end.  She’s a very open, loving Brasilian girl who I’ve only been emailing with a bit through CouchSurfing.  But I can feel her.  And to miss the invitation is definitely–a missing.

Was on Facebook briefly this morning–and saw the names and photos of some of my Australian friends I’ve recently left.  So close to a number of people there, and I miss them.  This whole traveling and connecting very deeply with people, I don’t know if it’s for me–the more deeply I connect, the more I miss those I’ve grown close to after I leave.

Interesting–how easily I can leave, how easily I can detach and walk away.

Well, here at the hostel, I keep staying additional nights, and I’ve really connected well with some of the people here. Maybe I’ll just stay another week at the hostel.  Definitely my path is to 1) feel into and learn about how I am connecting with people and making my choices, and 2) open and trust.  But just blindly trusting that the details of my two invitations were taken care of, rather than having clear conversations with both people… is one thing I can shift.  I did the same kind of thing last night when I just got into the car of some guys I met here, and ended up at a party I didn’t want to be at.

I’m desiring to continue opening up my full expression, and my full trust in the wisdom of my heart, even in the littlest of expressions… taking greater risks socially, connecting vulnerably… as if I’ve never been hurt.  Connecting as I’ve seen so many people in Africa and South America connect.  They are my teachers.  I am learning.

And so, I’m sharing my process here on this blog, and I’m hoping maybe it’s helpful to others who are similarly opening up to walk a similar path.  Your comments are welcome here.